THE PLOT SICKENS

[I think I wrote the original for this sometime in 1994 when I was living in the Riverside/San Bernardino area of Southern California. Boredom came easily in a place like that.]

This bit of script revision came about from the boredom of driving for hours on end with nothing to listen to but some moron on the radio getting an orgasm over some horribly overpriced car. On almost every station, yet.

So, letting my mind drift on RANDOM mode for a while, I was annoyed to find myself lost somewhere in Grand Terrace, but that was quickly dispelled by some new thoughts. Steering my car back in the direction I was supposed to be heading, I began to think out these script revisions.

The subject was The Rocky Horror Picture Show, a very wonderfully strange film I had gone back to see again and again. (And again. I lost count after about the 600th time.) But that's not important right now.

What was important was the fact that I found myself constantly wishing the Time Warp would last another five minutes. It was a very upbeat rock 'n' roll production number for 1977, and it remains so even today.

See, at the end of the Time Warp, all the dancers collapse to the floor exhausted. Eight minutes of doing the Time Warp and you would probably do the same. I figured that the only way to keep the Time Warp party scene going was to keep Frank from taking over the movie.

Here is one way I did this. More or less.

WHAT IF BRAD MAJORS HAD BEEN STUDYING
TO BE AN ELEVATOR MECHANIC?

(Scene opens on the dance floor, all the dancers having collapsed at the 
end of the Time Warp.)

BRAD:
Say, anyone know how to Madison?

(various looks and murmurs of disbelief and incredulity)

BRAD:
(looking closely at the elevator behind him and Janet, then turning back 
towards Riff Raff): Hmmm. I haven't seen this model of elevator in quite 
some time. Do you find it occasionally sticking for a few seconds and 
then starting back up again for no reason?

RIFF RAFF:
(slightly puzzled)
Yes.

BRAD:
(smiling broadly)
Well, then, you probably have some grease on the points of one of your 
coils. I can fix that in a jiffy.

JANET:
(alarmed)
Brad, please...

BRAD:
(confident):
It's all right, Janet, it's the least I can do for their hospitality...
(BRAD grabs a few tools out of his pocket, climbs the elevator frame, and 
examines the electrical connections on the top of the elevator car) 
Ah! Here we are!

RIFF RAFF:
I'm not sure you should be doing that...

(This last has been said over various banging and twisting sounds out of 
FOV, though BRAD (who obviously did not hear RIFF RAFF earlier) occasionally 
reaches to his right to visibly switch tools laid over to the right of 
the access panel. The occasional electrical sputter is heard. Less than 
fifteen seconds later, BRAD closes the access panel, picks up the rest 
of the tools, and climbs back down.)

(BRAD climbs down and re-enters camera POV, smiling. He has a grease 
smudge or two on his jacket and is wiping his hands clean on a cloth rag.)

BRAD:
There you go. Should work like a charm now. Say, I couldn't help noticing 
that the power leads looked a little frayed, so I hooked up that red 
power cable as well.

RIFF RAFF:
(puzzled)
What red power cord?

BRAD:
(pointing off-camera upwards and to the leftish)
The one leading over to that hole in the ceiling there.

(Muffled clang of the elevator door closing.)

RIFF RAFF:
I think, perhaps, that you had better disconnect that. You see, that red 
cable leads directly to the main power reactor.

(The elevator is descending. Enter FRANK N. FURTER.)

(Production number: SWEET TRANSVESTITE).

(FRANK N. FURTER pushes the button at the end of the number and the elevator 
starts up again, except twice as loud and three octaves higher-pitched than 
it had been. The elevator car rockets upwards and outwards, the horrified 
expression of surprise on FRANK N. FURTER'S face evident as he disappears. 
Another half-second later a horrible crashing noise is heard, and then 
boards, stonework, a bit of the roofwork come crashing down the elevator 
shaft. RIFF RAFF cautiously looks up the shaft after things appear to be 
clear and then turns to the others. Apparently it's still raining outside 
as rain is now coming down the newly-created hole in the ceiling.)

RIFF RAFF:
(amazed)
There is a very large hole in the lab-oh-ra-tory ceiling...

COLUMBIA:
Boy, Frank's gonna be pissed!

BRAD:
(in shock)
Oh, I'm...very sorry...

RIFF RAFF:
(suddenly genial and smiling)
Think nothing of it.
(Pats BRAD on the back and turns to the others.)
Time Warp again?

(As a response, the music and the dancing start back up again. More Time 
Warping. After about a minute of this, BRAD shrugs to JANET and joins in 
the dance. JANET looks very confused for about ten seconds, sees that BRAD 
is having a good time, shrugs, and joins him.)

(After another couple of minutes of Time Warping, the camera begins to pull 
backwards, through the walls of the castle, revealing some of the other CASTLE 
rooms, before finally pulling back through a thick stone wall. We are now 
outside where the storm is still going strong. The camera continues to pull 
back until the entire CASTLE is in the FOV. The camera begins to rotate to the 
left, panning the view, eventually revealing a wheelchair-bound figure trudging 
his way towards the CASTLE. Yes, it's DR. SCOTT.)

[EDITOR'S NOTE: Someone in Continuity was high during the planning of the film. 
Unless DR. SCOTT'S wheelchair had knobby tires or a 4x4 motorized system, how 
the hell did he manage to get his wheelchair up to the CASTLE along a rain-soaked 
muddy road? Oh, never mind, on to the next bit.]

(The camera is now focused on DR. SCOTT, resolutely making his way up to the 
CASTLE. He is still about 500 feet from the front door, but the music from the 
CASTLE is more than loud enough for him to hear over the storm. His face sets 
grimly and he begins to wheel his chair through the gate. He pushes once, twice, 
and on the third push a whistling sound distracts him. He looks around for the 
source of the noise. He looks upwards, and that's when the elevator, FRANK still 
inside, crashes right on top of him [a la the Trojan Rabbit from Monty Python 
and the Holy Grail.])

(A few seconds after the crash, the camera begins to fall back again, through the 
walls and upwards, eventually revealing the eyepieces of a stereoptic telescope. 
The POV turns around 180 degrees to reveal RIFF RAFF and MAGENTA laughing. 
[RIFF RAFF does not tell his sister to shut up.] After about ten seconds they 
gently wipe the tears of laughter off each other's faces and begin to head out 
the observatory doors, still chuckling. The camera follows the pair as they walk 
down the stairs. The music is very loud now. Footsteps are now heard approaching 
and the camera pans to show EDDIE and COLUMBIA running hand-in-hand down 
another staircase towards them.)

COLUMBIA:
(excitedly)
Didja see it? Wasn't it great?

RIFF RAFF:
(beaming)
Most satisfactory.

EDDIE:
(shit-eating grin)
Better than that, I got the whole thing on film with one of those old crank 
cameras you had in the girls' room. It's running through the developer right 
now. Two hours from now we can watch it again and again!

(RIFF RAFF, MAGENTA, EDDIE, and COLUMBIA all laugh loudly at that last 
for a few seconds.)

EDDIE:
(listening and looking back down the stairs)
Man, that party really sounds crankin'. Excuse us?

RIFF RAFF:
(smiles, bows, and waves EDDIE and COLUMBIA towards the party. EDDIE shoulders 
his saxophone and gives COLUMBIA a kiss before the two of them speed off 
hand-in-hand downstairs towards the party.)

(RIFF RAFF and MAGENTA watch them go. When they are out of sight, RIFF RAFF 
turns to MAGENTA, who is looking lustfully back at him. They embrace for about 
twenty seconds and hold each other loosely and tenderly afterwards.)

RIFF RAFF:
And it has all gone better than we had planned, my dear sister. Two 
of our greatest enemies dead with but a single stroke, and all of 
it a complete accident.

MAGENTA:
Yes, but I vould get red of that red power cord before ve are home. 
The Council might take exception, yes?

RIFF RAFF:
Indeed they would. It will be done in transit. As we planned.

MAGENTA:
And what of our...(nods over her shoulder towards the ballroom)...guests?

RIFF RAFF:
BRAD and JANET will be left here. The Council will be impressed with 
the potential of EDDIE and COLUMBIA, I think. These humans really 
surprise me.

MAGENTA:
(smiles and nods in agreement)

RIFF RAFF:
And now, my most...beautiful...sister, let us return and be proper hosts 
for our...party.

(The CAMERA follows the pair as they descend the staircases to the ballroom, 
hand-in-hand. The music and dancing are more intense than they were before. 
A sort of Time Warp-Conga line dance is more-or-less evolving, much to the 
delight of RIFF RAFF and MAGENTA. BRAD is bare-chested and is wearing one 
of the Transylvanians' tuxedo coats. One of the Transylvanians is wearing 
Brad's Denton jacket. JANET is down to a bra and short skirt. RIFF RAFF 
and MAGENTA join the line. EDDIE is blowing his saxophone onstage like a 
modern-day Bacchus. COLUMBIA is tap-dancing a storm on top of the jukebox. 
The camera does various pans over the Time Warp party for another five minutes 
before the current tune ends and everyone passes out for a minute. Once again 
the camera begins to pull back through the walls of the CASTLE. As it does we 
hear the partiers calling for another dance. A new tune kicks up immediately. 
Much cheering. We finally pull back through the outer stone wall of the CASTLE, 
past the still-smoldering wreckage of the elevator and wheelchair, and begins 
fading to black.)

FADE TO BLACK.

ROLL CREDITS.